The "fix" is actually simpler than it seems. Assuming your prospects actually need what you have, and assuming you're a competent professional, there is a short list of reasons people don't buy from you. Here are a few:

1. 3-2-1 connect

The topic of how to connect with someone really excites me. For many years, I've studied and practiced the psychology behind this question. There are many reasons advisors fail to connect with their prospects, but let's look at the most pressing problem.

Inappropriate training. Advisors are NOT taught the skills of how to connect with people. It's not your fault. These skills are pretty sophisticated psychology; they're not something you're just born with. What's more, this is an industry that has traditionally attracted analytical people who are actually uncomfortable connecting with people and dealing with relationships. That includes the executives and management who shaped the industry. Back in that less-expressive era, the corporate cultures, traditions and training avoided relationships. Why else do you think the lion's share of the training is still focused on products?

See it? Because of the dominant personality type and the industry traditions, you don't get the training and coaching to help you succeed. Rather, you get training in what doesn't work in today's relationship-focused era.

Learning more sales approaches is NOT the answer. Learning ever more product information is NOT the answer. Singing the praises of a financial product is not the same thing as having a conversation. Making a sale is not the same thing as building a relationship. Selling is tactical. Relationship building is strategic. Sales benefit you. Relationships benefit both of you. Sales are soon forgotten. Relationships live on for years.

Let's look deeper

If you don't get training and coaching in how to build a relationship, the trouble starts immediately; all you can do is simply follow your training. In other words, you present your products in the language that was taught to you, and then push to close the sale. At the elementary level, as Americans, we like to buy, but we hate to be sold. Imagine you're about to pay for some gas at the local 7-11. All of a sudden, the attendant says:

"You know, most people who come here recognize that their risk of temporary hunger worries them all day long. You seem like a nice fellow, and that's why I'd like to help you. Have you considered how hungry you'll be later. I can solve that and eliminate the risk of temporary hunger right now. Just look at the many snack products we have for you to buy right here. Have you thought about how hunger affects children? You should bring an assortment of snack products to your children…"

While the content is different, the approach is the same one thousands of advisors use every day. Force-fit a product into someone's life by trying to link it to his or her life experience. Replace "snack products" with annuity, and you'll probably recognize someone you know.

The way advisors are taught to talk to people drives a wedge between them and their target market. Using industry language (risk, annuity, asset allocation, death benefit, ESOP, broad cap….) alienates people. Moving in for the close makes people feel trapped. And, all are relationship killers.

What can you do to turn this around? Find a trainer or coach who is really good at building relationships. Remember, it's very different from sales training.

2. Are you listening?

Judging from what I see, the answer is, "Probably not." Again, it's not your fault. Listening is something we tend to think we do automatically because we have ears. We also have hands, but does that make us all musicians? Listening is an explicitly learned psychological skill. Until you learn it, you don't know what to listen for. OK, let's do an experiment to prove this point. Look back at the 7-11 attendant's pitch above. If that were the transcript of something a prospect said to you, what would you have noticed?

The important words are: hunger, nice, help, children. The person focuses on problems. And, he is not proactive. He is inviting you to consider, then take action, but he is taking no action of his own.

If you missed those things, then your listening skills could probably use a boot camp. If you forge ahead in your career, untrained in listening skills, you risk feeling the swish of the guillotine on the back of your neck. No listen – no connect. No connect – no relationship. No relationship – no sale. No sale – no long-term client. No long-term client – no referral. No referral – well, it's death row at this point.

What do we do instead of listen? Most sales people listen for about a minute, and then they do three things:

1. They plan what they're going to say next. "He's about to retire, so he needs a financial check-up. I can probably sell an annuity and LTC policy…"
2. They pass some kind of judgment on the other person. "He's not even a manager, so he's probably in debt up to his nose. And, would you look at that tie!"
3. They fail to recognize the person in front of them as a soul who deserves and probably needs help. "This is an hour I'll never get back. This guy doesn't know diddley about risk or investing."

The danger in unbridled critical thoughts. Research in psychology shows that other people subconsciously pick up your thoughts. Like a spy satellite, the subconscious mind picks up the emotional thoughts transmitted. I've even participated in some of these experiments. Trust me, the next time you fall into one of those three thought patterns, the other person will sense something's not right. While he probably doesn't receive your exact thoughts, he does pick up the disconnect and might even sense you as untrustworthy. If this is a habitual thought process for you, look what's hanging above your head.

What can you do to improve your listening abilities? It's easier than you think. Just close your eyes. When your eyes are open, you are probably attracted to the brightest or most colorful item in your field of vision. Each time your attention is drawn to it, you lose connection with the other person, and guess what – he senses it. However, when you close your eyes, you are forced to pay closer attention to that other person.

In addition, something amazing happens. This is how you tap into your intuition. What's special about that? Your intuition is where your creativity lives. I do a lot of coaching over the phone. I'm also highly visual, and in order to focus on my client, I have to close my eyes. That's the most effective way I can come up with creative ideas and solutions for the myriad of strange problems my clients have.

Want to become more creative? Want to get out of the box? You have to tap into your intuition. How do you do that? First, close your eyes. Is that all? No. There is a lot more to it, but that's not the topic of this article. We'll cover it in coming months.

Beyond that, people who lack good listening skills are usually not referable. "He's a competent enough advisor, but he won't listen to you." How's that for an endorsement? So, if you find your mind wandering into those forbidden zones while the other person is talking, that is likely one reason people might not buy from you.

3. They're boring

It doesn't matter whether you're in a restaurant or your office, every time someone asks you, "What do you do?" you have one objective, and it's NOT to answer the question! Your objective is to invite the person into a conversation that is relevant to him. But, what do most advisors do? They give some really boring answer about helping people manage risk, or serving as a guide on their clients' journey. They give an answer that's relevant to them – not the other person!

What makes those things boring?

First, most advisors don't have an answer to the question. That means they stumble over their tongue and stutter something unconvincing. What's more, if they stumble in their answer, they probably look away. If that's you, bang – right away, that shows the other person that you're insecure about something. And, when you work with people's money, any insecurity invites skepticism.

Second, most advisors who do have a prepared statement don't believe it. Chances are, they came up with something inspired by network TV advertising. That means it's generic and certainly not relevant to the other person.

Third, advisors who have an answer typically deliver the same one to literally everyone. What's wrong with that? Let me ask you, what do executives at Microsoft have in common with daycare center employees? Realistically, zero. So, why talk to them in the same way? What do executives at Microsoft have in common with small business owners? Very little. One is a bureaucrat spending the company's money; and the other is an entrepreneur, and every cent comes out of his pocket. Very different mind sets. Very different motivators. Your job, then, is to talk to each in a way that is relevant and appropriate for that specific person.

Committing any of those sins shows that person that you're insensitive and unimaginative. If that's the case, then it's no wonder that people don't buy from you.

The simple solution – Think bigger

If you regularly read my articles, you already know that in them, you always get the best resources I can find. So far in this article, I've pointed out several things most advisors do that hurt them. But, what can you do right now to avoid failing? Look for the bigger picture. Get a better strategy for your career. Get a scientific strategy for developing great business relationships. Your entire career pivots on the relationships. The best advice I can give you right now is to get a strategy for building long-lasting, meaningful, profitable business relationships.

Over the past fifteen years, I've found some basic truths about relationships. I've identified a natural process – the basic steps that are required to build the kind of business relationship you want. Eliminate any one of the steps, and your efforts will probably fail. We use the acronym ARCH to describe it. The steps are:

1. Attract. This means attracting the exact kind of person/client you want to work with. Do you have a psychological profile of that person?
2. Read. Before you start talking, you need to "read" them and learn what makes them tick. Can you "read" people easily and accurately?
3. Connect. Simply, use simple, effective psychology to make a relevant connection with that individual in front of you. Do you possess those skills?
4. Help. Provide ever-increasing levels of relevant/meaningful service over many years and subsequent generations. Can you lay out a game plan for three years of client meetings?

If you make only one improvement in how your conduct your career, improve the way you focus on relationships. As Harvard Business Review says, always focus on and nurture the relationships.

In conclusion

When people don't buy from you, they don't see the value in you or what you have to offer. If that happens on a regular basis, it says that your relationship-building skills are in serious trouble. Why would that be true? If it happens in your business, it probably happens in other parts of your life. Fix one, and the others will improve, too.