Tony was negative. He had experienced a lot of rejection in his life and it showed in his facial expressions, body language and even the words he used. Someone trained to read people could see lots of doubt in his nonverbal behavior. Even people who were not trained felt uncomfortable around him because he assumed every meeting would end in more rejection. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I had to get Tony to move out of that negative emotional state and into a different state, one that was one step more positive. I asked him to just consider the possibility that something would go right, that he'd get a client that day. I was moving him from the assumption of bad to the assumption of good. I was changing his emotional state.

Because charisma is so elusive, I teach many of my clients to go into their minds and find a specific time when they were optimistic. The day you graduated from college? The hour your first child was born? For a minute, stop reading and identify two or three times. Then, go into one of those situations. Relive it. See, hear and feel exactly what you experienced back then. Recognize where in your body you feel that emotion. Now, remember it. And, hold up your little finger. That finger represents optimism. When you want to go into optimism, just hold up that finger, or grab it with your other hand. That will stimulate your memory and help you go into an optimistic emotional state. People who are optimistic can be charismatic, but people who are pessimistic can't.

Focus: When you are with other people – your neighbors, prospects, clients, seminar audience – what are you focusing on? Are you thinking of what you will say to them? If so, you're blocking your charisma. When you realize you are focusing inward, instead of outward, reach up with your little finger and scratch the middle of your forehead. Then, lower your hand and hold your little finger with the other hand. Let that action serve to change your focus so that you pay attention to the person or people in front of you.

Jeff was a hard-charging, bottom-line financial planner in New York. He had worked out his pitch in detail, so he always know what he was going to say to any prospect. Problem was, he was focusing inside, thinking of what he was about to say. He wasn't focusing on the prospect. As a result, his business was in the dumpster.

I guided Jeff through a series of memories to find someone in his life that he thought was fascinating. Then, I had him do the little finger thing. Every time he realized that he was focusing inside, he would grab his little finger and the focus would reverse itself. That freed him to behave as if the person in front of him was about to tell him something that would capture his imagination or inspire his sympathy. This is key to becoming charismatic. Other people sense that you're interested in them. The only way you can be charismatic is by paying attention to the other person.

Listen: I normally hesitate to mention listening because most people assume they can already listen. "Michael, we have ears, so we can listen." Wrong. We all know the English language, but that doesn't mean we are authors. We all have mouths, but that doesn't mean we are great speakers. Just because we have ears and can hear, doesn't mean we know how to listen.

I'm talking about the nature of your listening. How do you listen. Do you listen to learn selling points? Do you listen to learn about that person's assets? Do you listen to learn how you can impress that person with your knowledge? Those are all terrible reasons, and they result in something other than listening. When you listen FOR a reason, you miss everything else. And, you damage your chance to be charismatic.

Instead, try this. Listen WITH affection and empathy. Assume that you truly like (or even love) that person. Listen as though you sincerely care what happens in that person's life. Listen to listen – not to fix or solve. Listen to be present and available to that person. You might think of it as being "caringly there."

When I first started coaching Elaine, I listened to her with the ear for what processes or tools I would use to help her. Then, like a door hitting me in the forehead, I realized that I didn't know what processes and tools to use because I had not actually heard what she had said. So, not only did I not fully understand what Elaine's problem was, I didn't know what values she had just expressed or what her personality type was. As a coach, if you don't know those things right up front, you're in trouble. What would you do in that situation?

Here's what I did. I closed my eyes and asked Elaine to say it again. With my eyes closed, I could visualize what she was saying. Those words just came to life as if I were watching a movie based on it. Because I no longer had an agenda to my listening, other than to be caringly there, my intuition jumped into action and started giving me all these great ideas.

Who are your clients? Are they accounts that you earn your income from? Or, are they people who have problems you can sympathize with: money worries, a second mortgage, paying for a college education, an dying parent, or worse? Could you listen to them with affection and empathy in your heart? If yes, you have the possibility of becoming charismatic to them.

When people start saying, "Thank you" just for talking with them, that's a sign of charisma. When people start seeking you out just to talk, that's a sign of charisma. When you notice strangers looking at you, that's a sign of charisma.

Your Reward

I like to reward people who read my articles. Since you're reading this sentence, you probably enjoyed what you read. Charisma is like any other new skill or new way to looking at "things." It's much easier to develop when you have someone helping you with each step. That's the nature of coaching. If you want to get a head start on your own charisma, I will give you a free coaching session – just a taste of why our coaching clients keep coming back to us. Just send me an email with "Charisma Help" in the subject line. And, be sure to include your contact information. ** This offer expires on March 1, 2007.