How to ask a close personal friend for business
A step-by-step guide to helping a friend professionally during a difficult time while not ruining the friendship.
You know they need help. You know you can help them. You want to have the conversation, but don’t know where to start.
Here’s the scenario: You are in your 20s. You’ve got a friend. He’s an only child. His folks are in their 40s or 50s. That sounds pretty young, but they’ve got mobility problems. Your friend moved out of the family home after graduation to take a job on the other coast, but his folks still live there. Your friend worries about one (or both) having problems on the stairs or slipping in the tub. You know this is the biggest issue on their mind. Your friend also thinks he’s the only 20-something facing this issue.
Step 1: Start by identifying the need. His folks might be unsteady, but otherwise their health is good. Someday they may not be able to live on their own. They would need a higher level of care.
Step 2: Discuss and demonstrate understanding. You realize this is the biggest issue on their minds. You would like to help if you could. You have thought long and hard about their situation. You think you might know of a solution.
Step 3: Assess their level of comfort or unease. You need to stop talking and step back. This could go either way. They might seize on your offer of help like a drowning man grasping a life preserver.
Or, your friend might compartmentalize. They put things in buckets, and you are in the friend bucket, while this problem is in the family bucket. They might say: “Thank for the offer, but it’s a family matter. We’ll solve it on our own.” At least you tried.
Step 4: View the situation objectively as a third party. Ever hear “You can’t see the forest for the trees?” They may be too close to the situation to see all the potential solutions.
They might focus on “My folks move to the coast and live with me.” But their apartment is tiny, they have a wife and young child, and they don’t see this working.
You see many other solutions. They might hire a home health aide when they get older. They might move to an Over-55 community, living on one level.
However, his folks don’t want to move. They want to stay put as long as they can. You are listing some options. One might be Long-Term Care insurance, which could help them when they can no longer live on their own sometime in the future.
Step 5: Offer to do something. But beware: Friendships can be fragile. If you move into selling mode, bring up LTC insurance, mention you are licensed and start pushing, they might recoil. It may be the best solution, but you come across as predatory, making money during their time of distress.
But you feel it’s the best solution. They should at least hear about it. Time to Sell the Firm: “This isn’t the first time I’ve heard about this problem. You would be surprised at the number of people our firm has helped in similar situations. There’s a woman in our regional office. You might say she’s a ‘specialist’ in addressing this specific issue. Let me give you her name and number.” You provide contact information for the LTC specialist.
I’ve heard how agents and advisors take this a step further, while remaining tactful. “She visits our office about once every three weeks. Why don’t I set up an appointment for you? I would be glad to attend that meeting with you, if that would make you more comfortable.”
In these examples, you have inserted a specialist to help your future client. The client is yours. Instead of doing the selling yourself, which might be taken the wrong way, you’ve introduced that faceless organization, “The Firm” as the problem solver.
Step 6: Do a good job. Present a turnkey solution with next steps. This meeting isn’t conceptual “research this, look into that…” It’s “here’s your problem, here’s the proposed solution. Here’s how it addresses your problem. Here’s how we get started…”
What you’ve done is taken a situation with no potential solutions they liked and turned it into a situation with one, pretty good solution.
Step 7: Follow up. They will probably say: “Let me think about it. Let me talk with my folks.” If you followed up every two weeks asking “Have you made a decision yet?” that friendship will probably not last much longer. Time and everyday events are on your side.
Instead, bring the situation up in an oblique and tactful way. Here are some examples: “Thanksgiving is coming up. Are you flying back home or are your folks coming to you? You always spend the holidays with your family.” or “I heard about that hurricane that hit the coast last week. Are your folks OK? I know they are always the most important thing on your mind.”
You have tactfully brought the subject of their folks top of mind. They know they need a solution to their dilemma. Before, they had zero practical solutions. Now they have one. They will eventually need to do something. Hopefully they call and say: “Let’s do it.”
What’s another outcome?
A regional manager at a financial services firm shared a story about an advisor who knew a couple. Their spouse died. They had lots to sort through. The advisor felt inserting themselves into the situation would be intruding on their grief.
So the advisor held back, assuming the surviving spouse would ask for help if they needed it. Time passed and the spouse grew cold and distant. The advisor eventually approached them and asked why.
The spouse said: “I was in a difficult situation. You were in a position to offer help, but you didn’t.”
Bryce Sanders is president of Perceptive Business Solutions Inc. He provides HNW client acquisition training for the financial services industry. His book, “Captivating the Wealthy Investor” can be found on Amazon.
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