How to network if you find it distasteful

Step through the doorway and there it is—a lake of people waiting for you to jump and swim. But stick your toe in and the temperature always feels icy.

That’s the vision of networking for many, even in a relationship business like commercial real estate. Some people like to gladhand, and others would be glad to hand over the event invitation and head off to something more palatable. And yet, networking—real networking—is an absolute must for CRE success. It’s also not a series of public displays that can feel like the worst version of speed dating you’ve ever heard of.

By learning what networking is, versus the common mistaken images, and then gaining insight from those who know how to do it effectively, those who think the process is distasteful might find a completely different, and rewarding, experience. Time to bust some myths.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE A NATURAL

The “either you’ve got it, or you don’t” school of thought doesn’t hold much water when you talk to networking experts, especially when it comes to extroversion versus introversion.

“I find networking emotionally draining,” Collete English Dixon, executive director of the Marshall Bennett Institute of Real Estate at Roosevelt University, says, and she’s someone that others in the profession see as being great at building human networks. “I am not a natural extrovert. I’m a learned extrovert. In order to get my job done, I had to steel myself to walk into a room of 300 people that I didn’t know. I know a lot of people who do it far better than I do. But it’s been a difficult thing for me to do as well as I do. It takes a lot of effort on my part.”

The issue isn’t one of shyness, but, as many people recognize from their own lives, it is one of energy: Do you gain energy in a crowd or in solitude? For introverts, working a crowd can be draining.

“Extroverts can be tired, go into a group of people, talk and it refills their batteries,” says Julie Brown, who has worked in architecture, construction, and real estate for more than two decades, much of it in business development and now consulting in building business networks for clients. “It’s more how introverts can go into an event and build energy. We, society, have been telling introverts how to change. I’ve yet to see a book telling extroverts to shut up. Introverts are so much better at waiting and listening for the answer than waiting for their turn to speak.” The trick is to pace yourself and maybe meet just a few people, so you don’t spread yourself too thin.

Even the “naturals” have to reconsider what they do. “I was always outgoing, but that doesn’t make you a natural or even a good networker,” Brown adds. She points to everyone having to overcome some resistance all the time. When new in a career, the reluctance might be feeling that you have nothing to offer. It can be a question of whether an event or group of people is worth your time, or later in a career, if you’re still relevant.

“There are so many reasons people can talk themselves out of networking,” Brown says. “Even me, who loves networking and made a career out of helping people build networks, can still look at my calendar and say, ‘Do I really need to go to that event?’”

No one is perfect at it, and everyone has challenges.

NETWORKING EVENTS AREN’T THE MODEL

Networking events at conferences, meetings of professional organizations, and other venues have become the stereotype of what the experience is supposed to be. Except, that assumption is wrong in so many ways.

“I would say I’m a great people person,” says James Nelson, principal and head of Avison Young’s Tri-State Investment Sales group in New York City and author of The Insider’s Edge to Real Estate Investing. “I do enjoy going out and meeting people. But when you ask ‘do you enjoy networking?’ I think we have to define what that means. Networking can get a bad connotation if it’s working a room and handing out as many cards as you can.”

Bingo. Nelson and others point out that real networking is a process of building relationships. Yes, that includes meeting people for the first time. But it’s not something only possible with an overpriced drink in one hand and a fistful of business cards in the other. “Rather than meeting everyone in the room, I think it’s finding people you have common interest with,” he says. “The difference is a cold outreach or are you going to have some type of warmer introduction. Usually when I walk into an industry event, usually I’m going to know a dozen or more people in the room. I find it’s useful to have those people introduce me. Yes, I’m looking for people whom I know because they’re a lot easier to approach, but if they’re standing next to someone I don’t know, it’s a chance for a warmer introduction.”

And there are other settings. Nelson was an adjunct professor at NYU in the past. He still guest lectures there and at Fordham and Wharton for professors he knows. Many people in graduate classes will be industry professionals and coming in as an authority not only opens the door for conversations before and after class but puts him in a good light.

Trevor Calton, president of Evergreen Capital Advisors, teaches CRE on a regular basis and also holds networking workshops. “There are an infinite number of ways to network,” he says. “You can go to a meetup. You can join a sports team, volunteer. You can teach. Because we’re not trained in networking, a lot of people don’t know what to do. I often tell people that one of the best ways to network is through informational interviews. A lot of times people are job shopping, flipping the script. It’s networking when you don’t realize it and it’s better for an introvert because it’s one on one. Most people would say quality is more effective than quality.”

DON’T DO IT ON THE FLY

There’s no reason you have to treat networking as a daring bout of improvisation on a highwire without a net. You can prepare for a better experience.

Nelson admits that his 25 years in the industry is an advantage, but he says that even at an industry event, you can do things like research panelists and their interests ahead of time. Find if there are some common points.

There are books, like Julie Brown’s This Shit Works: A No-Nonsense Guide to Networking Your Way to More Friends, More Adventures, and More Success. Nelson suggests taking an improv class that will have you “working with groups and learning how to interact with people.”

Learn how to ask open-ended questions to get people to tell you about themselves, like why you both are where you are at the moment, whom you might both know. “Then you can find commonality,” Nelson says. “Once you are able to trust someone and get to know someone at a deeper level, you can get around to the business aspect if you have something that could be of service to them.”

How did he learn about that particular approach? By preparing and attending a conference where an etiquette coach explained it.

AND IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU

The biggest mistake and turnoff about networking with a capital N is to misplace the emphasis. Don’t network to help yourself. Instead, try to find how you can help others.

When Calton holds one of his networking seminars, he asks participants to finish a sentence for him: “It’s not what you know…”

“They say, ‘Who you know,’ says Calton. “And I say, ‘No, it’s who knows you.’” Networking to him is letting people know you and how you can help them solve their problems.

Networking is “not worrying about what you get out of it in every interaction because what you get out of it may not happen in a while,” Dixon says. “It may come back to you unexpectedly with a benefit to you. It may not happen quickly, but it usually does happen over time. Some of the best networkers are a little bit selfless but they know in the long run it all comes back. Especially in this business. How unexpectedly you may be connected to people. That introduction you helped somebody get to, the awareness you helped someone else gain. That’s part of that circle of connection that is really at the crux of networking.”

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And, importantly, let yourself have some fun. “Don’t walk into a room with a frown on your face and stand in a corner and expect people to approach you because it may not happen,” Dixon says. “If you don’t look like an approachable person, people will avoid you.” Instead, she says to take pleasure in meeting people.

Finally, don’t beat yourself up if you make a mistake. ”It’s more important that you’re out there trying than overthinking this and not doing it at all,” Nelson says.